Have you heard the saying, “When it rains, it pours.”? It was used the other day when talking to a mom friend. She’s currently going through a divorce.

Me? Well, I’m now unemployed after working for a company for nearly 19 years. As much as it came as a shock, and honestly, a blow to me self-esteem, the discharge/firing/relieving of my position is a blessing. I hadn’t been happy in that company for at least 6 years, if not more. At some point, I began to question a lot, not just with myself, but also with the company.

And one could also say the axiom applies as I am a single mom of two tweens, a widow, and now, unemployed. On the day of my discharge, I had received a call from my son, explaining his bad day, and a text from my daughter, stating she was missing her father.

Yet, this was coming. Yes, it might have been better if my employment had ended on my terms. Only, I can’t tell you what my terms would have been. Unless, what all those people who have said that to me mean having put my two weeks in, knowing I had a job ready to take me as soon as I put that notice in.

Only, I didn’t. I let fear run my life for a long time. Not only my fear, but also the fears of my late husband, and the fears of my parents, namely my mother. There was the fear of not having a steady paycheck. I was getting paid a nice hourly wage, and there was the fear I wouldn’t be able to find another job that paid not only that hourly rate, but also provide the health benefits the lab paid for. There was the fear of not getting or having health insurance if I were to leave and/or find another job. There was the fear I wouldn’t even find a job. There was the fear, “How are you doing to support your family?”.

Fear. Fear. Fear. I’ve heard so many different acronyms for fear. All of which can be applied to certain circumstances. And in my case, some of them have been very true. A lot of them have been false events appearing real. We are very good at telling ourselves stories of what might be the outcome. Sometimes, we let those stories become so real in our minds, and the power we lend to those stories can actually cripple us. It certainly crippled me from pursuing my dreams and my intuition.

So, now I’m here. Unemployed. I’ve applied for massage therapy school for the fall of 2020. In the meantime, I’m looking at jobs. I’ve had to re-evaluate things, and revised beliefs and things. And it hasn’t exactly been fun or pretty. I just might be a little picky, even though the terms of receiving Unemployment Benefits be I apply for at least one job weekly. I’ve had friends suggest jobs in the science field. Why not? I was in a science field for nearly 19 years. I’m burnt out, and at some point I realized that I had done all of it for someone else.

Yesterday, I attempted to re-do my resume. I looked at it, and no matter how much I tried to adjust it or revise it, all I saw was failure. Failure after 19 years. Failure of not following my gut. A failure as a parent for not keeping my job. A failure as a child, wanting unconditional love from my parents.

See? Those were just stories I was telling myself, and they were extremely real to my emotional state. I could logically tell myself I wasn’t a failure. I had reached out to a friend, telling her how overwhelmed I felt looking at my resume (which hadn’t been properly updated in months, years even) and all I could see was failure. I am so grateful she went on a text bomb of what I good person I am, and reminding that this is just a bump in my life journey. That I’m being broken to be rebuilt into something completely spectacular.

In counseling, I really let it go. It was a crying mess. We addressed some issues I’ve been bypassing, and also been trying to heal from. Lots of tissues and tears. I was given some action steps, and today I did one.

And today, I’m better and I love myself a little more.