Monday, January 27, 2020
As time has passed, the trigger moments don’t happen as often. What I have noticed is that when trigger moments do happen, some of them are pretty intense.
The latter part of last week and this past weekend were heavy with emotions. Big A had an emotional upheaval of unknown origin and an inability to even describe it. I had my own triggering moments come out of the blue.
I came to realize that I have been avoiding certains kinds of social events because of the people involved. I still love those people, and they will always have a special place in my heart. It’s just hard to be around them.
Just like I’m sure it can be hard for our family and friends to be around Peanut, Big A, and/or me.
It’s the memories tied to them/us. While they may be amazing and beautiful memories, pain is now attached to them.
Just thought of Inside Out. Have you seen the movie? We’ve actually recently watched it several times. Each time was initiated by one of the kids. For me, it was kind of surprising to walk in the living room to see them watching it.
Anyway, in the movie, the four emotions, Joy, Anger, Disgust, and Sadness work together as their han Riley goes through a rough time during a move to a different state. Joy’s the one who is mainly in charge. Only, the move causes a slight disruption among the emotions. Joy tries to keep Riley in a happy mood, no matter the situation. In the end, there’s a lesson that not all memories hold just one emotion, but a mixture of them.
Ted’s suicide has now colored some of our happiest memories with sadness, longing, and other emotions. Eventually, I believe, those memories will hold more joy and happiness. Eventually.
My triggering moment brought up a myriad of emotions. I had to go to the bathroom to calm down. Later, after the party on the way home, I told Big A what happened with me. He told me why he had to excuse himself from the party at one moment. We each have different triggers. He asked me why I got triggered
I told him that sometimes when I see or talk to someone his dad and I both knew, it brings up memories, and I get sad. I sometimes also get angry at Ted. I get mad because he’s not here to enjoy all the amazing moments we’re going through. I get angry because he’s not here to support our kids during important moments in their lives. And I get sad. There are a lot of emotions that come up that I won’t be able to tell my kids because they won’t be able to relate.
And honestly, I probably won’t share the full spectrum of my emtoions with you, dear Reader. Those are for me to work through, and only a select few know of them.
Just know, if you are in this club of loss, every thing you feel is valid. Every emotion that hits you out of the blue is valid and it’s normal and okay. And you are so loved.
I love you.