When I first attempted to blog about our journey – More unfinished ramblings

When I first attempted to blog about our journey – More unfinished ramblings

Friday, August 11, 2017

One Night Can Change Your Life

My name is Tricia. I also go by Patricia, Trish, and Mom (along with its various forms).

I used to go by Wife. I’ve been a widow since June 05, 2017.

Now, before I go into that background and answer the question that might be normal to ask after seeing the word “widow”, I want to let you know why I’m doing this blog.

I’m writing because it is a way for me to heal. What I’ll be writing about isn’t something everyone is going to understand, like, or even approve of. That’s okay, though. I’m not writing for them. I’m writing for me.

And for me to heal, for me to move forward, I want to share what I’m going through.

Now…the background, of which there may be quite a lot.

My husband took his life. He took his life the day after our family – he, our two children, our miniature Aussie, and I – had taken out our boat for the first time this summer. He took his life the day our daughter had a huge day of field trips with her 2nd grade class – bowling, hiking the M, visiting a T-shirt printing shop, and lunch in a park. He took his life the day before our son was to perform in the 4th grade talent show, playing The Sound of Silence by Disturbed, because it was Dad’s new favorite song, on the piano. He took his life the day my mother was driving down to see that talent show. He took his life the week before our daughter’s dance recital. He took his life the beginning of the last week of school for our children. He took his life one week after his 40th birthday.

My husband was – IS – loved beyond measure. My husband is missed. Daddy is missed. A son is missed. A son-in-law is missed. A grandson is missed. A friend is missed.

Several days after that night, I went searching the internet for anything that would help me explain why this happened or anything that would help me begin my own healing. There are a lot of sites and journals out there addressing suicide decisions of a significant other. There are those that focus on the survivors of suicide. I’ve looked at a few, and found one that made me feel less alone in how my husband dealt with his depression and ultimately made that devastating decision.

It’s been just over 2 months since he passed. My children and I take it day by day, and while we’re learning to get into our new “normal,” there are times when I feel absolutely alone.

Someone asked me if I’ve been on autopilot. In fact, I got that question a lot in the first two or three weeks after he passed. Maybe I was during those few weeks. Now, I’m on a type of survival mode. I’m dealing with unfinished stuff for a business he left behind – a business he had kept me completely out of because he wanted to protect me. I’m dealing with our mortgage bank to keep our house for our kids. I’m dealing with day to day tasks that now need to be divided amongst the three of us – tasks we had all taken for granted because some of it had been taken care of because of his business. I’m dealing with my new role as a single parent, and trying to find that balance of loving both my kids at the same time but also making sure they get one-on-one time with mom. I’m dealing with going back to work after a month off.

We’re dealing with the absence of a man who we love so very much.

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