Waves of “hard”-unfinished post

Waves of “hard”-unfinished post

Yesterday was hard.

Yesterday was so hard. So many years. So much pain. The heartache has been so deep and painful I can’t breathe.

I wasn’t just missing Ted. I was missing my dad. I don’t think that has happened simultaneously.

Music was something we shared. Songs we related to. Songs we both liked or loved. Songs that meant something to just one of us or to both of us, and usually for different reasons.

Earlier, those early months after Ted’s suicide, when a song came on, I would take it as a sign Ted was with me. The past few months, I’ve been oblivious to any signs. I’ve been focused on me…on my healing…on moving forward.

And then, a mentor asked if I’ve received by any signs from Ted. It made me pause. It made me think back to see if I had. Were there songs played on satellite radio? Did my shuffle of liked songs or any other playlist I shuffled on Spotify play anything that might have suggested Ted was there with me?

There was the guy I had been talking to for nearly month who randomly called me “angel” once. Coincidence? Maybe. Ted called me his angel when we began dating in high school.

This mentor, a woman I admire on so many levels, then suggested a book – Signs: The Secret Language of the Universe by Laura Lynne Jackson. She said a friend told her it had helped her with loss of someone in her life. Gave her comfort.

So, I got the Audible. And every time I’ve listened to it at home, full on waterworks. Just the tears. What’s the phrase? “All the feels…”

Sometimes I get annoyed with the crying. One is because I don’t know why I’m crying. B says I don’t need to know. Crying is a release of trauma, and releasing is good…needed. I know this. I agree with it. Just get annoyed sometimes. Something to work on, right?

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